The Saturday Scalpel: Issue 12

From the Desk of Dr. Kevin, MD

“The ‘M’ stands for ‘Metabolically Unstable,’ probably.”

Hi, Hello, Goodmorning & sh**!

It’s me, Dr. Kevin Cutthebull, MD — Back again to ruin your morning muffin.

Alright, you beautiful, overfed glucose scalpel-heads.

So you’ve got a wedding coming up. Or a vacation. Or maybe you just realized your reflection now has two chins and a side hustle. And you're thinking:

“Can I just go beast mode, cut my calories in half, double my workouts, and lose 3 pounds a week—real quick—without turning into a dehydrated raisin with anxiety?”

The short answer?

Yes. If you’re fat enough.

Let’s unpack that before you freak out and try to fight me with a Quest bar.

🧪 The Science of Getting Unfat, Fast

Research actually shows that obese people who lose a bunch of weight quickly early on are more likely to keep it off.

Shocking, I know. The diet bros told you “slow and steady wins the race,” but apparently they forgot humans are emotional gremlins who quit if the scale doesn’t move fast enough.

It’s all about buy-in.

You lose weight quickly → your brain goes “HELL YES THIS WORKS” → you stick to it.

Welcome to Psychology 101 for Dorito Survivors.

⚖️ But Isn’t Rapid Fat Loss Bad?

Yes and no. Or as I like to say:

There are no solutions. Only trade-offs. —Some smart dead guy.

Here’s the deal:

If you’re lean already and you crash diet?

• You’ll burn muscle, hate your life, and probably cry into a rice cake.

• But if you’ve got enough adipose tissue (a.k.a. body fat), your body’s like:

“Cool, let’s burn some of this insulation. We’ve got plenty.”

And no, losing “lean mass” doesn’t always mean your biceps are vanishing into thin air.

Body fat actually has a little bit of lean mass in it—about 13%.

So when someone loses 20 pounds and 2 of that is “lean,” don’t panic.

That’s mostly water, connective tissue, and maybe a little spleen sadness.

🧠 Ready? Your Brain Is a Glitchy Garbage Algorithm

You know, that mythical state where you’re not hungry anymore?

Turns out:

• If you believe your food is healthy and nourishing, it fills you up faster.

• If you think your food is “diet prison slop,” your brain screams, “WHERE’S THE ICE CREAM?!”

Even plate color messes with your satiety.

White pasta on a white plate? You’ll shovel more.

Put that same pasta on a red plate? Suddenly you’re full. 😑

Humans. Are. Idiots.

We run mostly on dopamine, a few broken reward systems, and an eternal optimism that THIS cookie won’t ruin everything.

💡 So What Do You Do?

If you’re trying to lose fat fast for an event:

• Yes, cut your calories hard (but not into oblivion).

• Yes, train more (but don’t die).

• Yes, understand this is a short-term kickstart.
  Transition into a sustainable routine before your body files a complaint with HR.

And while you're at it, remember what Ethan Suplee said after dropping from 500 lbs:

“Living at 500 lbs was way harder than working out every day.”

Doing the hard thing now makes life easier later.

Doing the easy thing now makes your knees hate you.

Alright, that’s your scalpel to the gut for today.

Now go do something uncomfortable—like NOT eating that second breakfast.

Or hitting the gym instead of TikTok-scrolling your pancreas into retirement.

Yours in caffeine, sarcasm, and cortisol,
Dr. Kevin Cutthebull, MD
(“Don’t sue me, sue your habits”)

P.S. #2 Got a health myth you want sliced open next? Hit reply and let Dr. Kevin know — the scalpel’s always ready.