The Saturday Scalpel: Issue 15

In This Week’s Issue:

🐮 Moo like a horny cow while taking a sh*t, and thank me later.

🥑 Is your avocado secretly trying to kill you?

🍿 Why I’m Disappointed in Max

Hello, My Gorgeous Scalpheads…

Kevin here… back again, and sexy per usual!

#1 Moo to Poo: Why Making Farm Noises Might Save Your Colon

You ever find yourself praying to the porcelain gods for a smooth exit strategy?

Here’s your new religion: Moo. 🐮

No, really.

Sit your fiber-deprived ass down, lean forward, and release a long, low “mooooooo” like you just got dumped by a dairy farmer.

Turns out, there’s legit science behind this madness:

• Mooing = diaphragmatic breathing + gentle Valsalva maneuver (a nerdy term for increasing abdominal pressure while exhaling).

• This stimulates your vagus nerve, which tells your gut, “Hey buddy, let’s get this turd train moving.”

• Bonus: Mooing relaxes your jaw, and thanks to the fascial connection between your jaw and pelvic floor, that helps you unclench down there too.

It’s like vocal yoga for your butthole.🧘‍♀️

No straining. No blowing a gasket. Just channel your inner bovine and breathe that turd out like you’re in a Lamaze class for lactose-intolerant cattle.

Clinical evidence?
No randomized control trial yet.

Booooooo…. (or moooo, should we yell?).

But vagus stimulation, pelvic-jaw relaxation, and diaphragmatic breathing have solid physiological backing.

And it costs zero dollars.

Which is less than your last psyllium powder order from that influencer in Bali. (Surprised how well I know you?!)

Try it. Twice. Then message me “Moo, Doc” if it worked.

I’m not kidding, you can reply to this mail…

#2 Are Avocados the Next Scam?

Listen, I love a good guac as much as the next basic millennial. But let’s talk about the dark side of this green diva.

Avocados are fine. 

But… avocado oil? Now we’re cooking with dumpster fire.

Here's the unfiltered truth:

• A 2019 study tested 22 avocado oils in US stores.
  82% were rancid or straight-up fraud.
  Some had ZERO avocado oil. Like, not even a whisper of avo.

• Most oils were oxidized AF… which means they’re now pro-inflammatory, filled with lipid peroxides and aldehydes that mess with your cells like frat boys with fireworks.

• Many were cut with cheap-ass seed oils like soybean and canola, but still labeled “extra virgin avocado oil”… even though that label means nothing in the US because there’s no legal standard. None.

So your “healthy” salad dressing might be marinated in metabolic sabotage.

And as for the fruit itself?

Yes, fresh avocados are amazing… high potassium, magnesium, low omega-6, full of oleic acid.

But artificially ripened ones (via ethylene gas chambers) might lose flavor and some phytonutrients before they even hit your fridge.

They look perfect. They taste like disappointment.

#3 Speaking of disappointment…

So Monday morning I find Max (Yes. Dr. Max) pacing around the kitchen like he went live naked.

Sweaty, pale, pupils doing the Macarena. I thought we were dealing with a heart attack or maybe demonic possession.

Turns out? It was coffee.
Eight cups.
Before noon.

My guy drank enough caffeine to deworm a horse, and for what?

To impress you.

Apparently, he’s been working around the clock to build some “free gut health evaluation”.

A little tool you can use to find out what’s going wrong in your gut and get a personalized report at the end. It’s actually kind of cool.

But also?

He’s still dumb. 😑
Because now I have to babysit a fully grown doctor who thinks espresso is a personality.

Anyway, that’s all I’m allowed to say. If I leak the link early, he’ll log into my Google Docs and delete this whole memo.

P.P.S. What did you think of today’s edition?

References:

Wang, S.C., et al. (2019). "Adulteration of Avocado Oil." Journal of Food Science, 84(6), 1584–1594.

Jeong, W.S., et al. (2003). "Volatile profiles and consumer acceptance of ‘Hass’ avocado fruit ripened with ethylene." Postharvest Biology and Technology, 28(2), 259–268.

Tan, C., et al. (2016). "Impact of packaging on oxidation of avocado oil." Food Chemistry, 221, 928–935.

Choe, E., & Min, D.B. (2006). "Mechanisms and factors for edible oil oxidation." Comprehensive Reviews in Food Science and Food Safety, 5(4), 169–186.