The Saturday Scalpel: Issue 22

From the desk of Dr. Kevin, MD

"I’d like to call it refined gas station goop"

Hello, Goodmorning, etc.

It’s Saturday Scalpel time… and your boi Kev is back with a Skincare Special…

Because why the hell not?!

Now, I have so many dermatologist friends, and you know what skincare ingredient they actually use?

No, it’s not the $187 snake venom serum with “anti-aging moon extract.”

It’s Vaseline. (No, I’m not sponsored, Karen!)

Yes, that greasy tub of white petrolatum you saw next to your grandma’s dentures.

And if you’re thinking “ew, isn’t that, like, motor oil for your pores?”

Congratulations, you’ve been successfully fear-mongered by Instagram wellness influencers who exfoliate with Himalayan salt and shame you for breathing city air.

Let’s correct that.

Let’s Talk Science Before You Start Swearing 😒 

Petrolatum is a triple-refined hydrocarbon jelly that has passed more safety tests than your gluten-free protein powder ever will…

• Hypoallergenic? Yes.

• Non-comedogenic? Yes.

• Food? F*ck no! (But the guy who invented it ate a spoon a day and lived to 96, so… do what you want. 😑)

In fact, patch testing on 880,000 people showed TWO possible reactions…. one of which was probably just a pissed-off back reacting to everything.

So unless you're one of two unicorns allergic to literally nothing else, you're safe.

But… why Derms Worship This Greasy God

Every real dermatologist has a stash of Vaseline.

Some keep it under the sink.

Some keep it on the sink.

Some probably keep it in their will.

Because it works. For almost everything:

• Healing wounds

• Preventing scars

• Locking in moisture

• Protecting sensitive areas from chemical peels

• Stopping your perfume from ghosting you after 3 hours

• Saving your lips from winter depression

It’s like the Swiss army knife of skincare… but greasy AF.

Slugging: Sounds Gross. Is Magical.

If you’ve heard of “slugging” and imagined someone rubbing banana slugs on their face… first of all, ew.

Second of all, welcome to TikTok.

Real slugging = sealing in your serum and moisturizer with a thin (read that again: THIN) layer of petrolatum to lock in hydration.

• Not a scoop.

• Not a ladle.

• Not a face mask.

A whisper of jelly. Like you’re frosting a cupcake for an elf.

Use it at night. Wake up looking like you moisturized… and paid taxes on time.

But Wait… There’s More.

Cleanse First. Always.

Petrolatum doesn’t cause acne… unless you’re slapping it over your unwashed face like a war paint of bacteria.

• Clean face = dewy goddess

• Dirty face + Vaseline = zit salad

So, don’t blame the jelly. Blame your laziness.

Bonus Hacks No One Told You

• Under-eye magic: Works better than that $112 “eye firming complex.” Also doesn’t smell like regret.

• Before your retinoid or acid peel: Dab it around the eyes/lips to shield those areas.

• Hair dye shield: Prevents looking like you lost a bet with a raccoon.

• Cuticle savior: Soft hands, no $30 manicure needed.

• Wound healer: Better than most antibiotic ointments. Yes, studies. Yes, receipts.

• Burn treatment: Not right away, but after the heat’s gone. Keeps it moist and heals faster.

• Make perfume last longer: Jelly first, then fragrance. Smell like a forest nymph all day.

“But it’s petroleum… that’s bad, right?”

Wrong.

The version in Vaseline is USP-grade, purified, pharmacy-approved, and non-toxic.

It's cleaner than your supplement stack.

Also, I’ll take “gas station byproduct” over “hand-harvested unicorn tears from a startup’s lab” any day if it works.

One Last Thing Before You Overdo It

Don’t occlude your actives (like retinol or acids) under Vaseline on thin skin unless you’re cool with turning into a human tomato.

Do it on your feet, your elbows, or that thick dinosaur skin area above your knee. That’s fine.

Just… don’t be dumb.

Alright… that’s it for this week’s skincare special.

Now tell me…

Did you like it? Hate it?

Rub Vaseline on your dog and now he’s shinier than your future?

Reply to this email.

I read every single message. Even the unhinged ones. Especially the unhinged ones.

Until next Saturday -

Stay greasy, stay gorgeous…

Dr. Kevin Cutthebull, MD

Dr. Kevin’s recommendation of the week: (Not Sponsored)

Dr. Brandt dropped a new “microneedling in a bottle” serum that basically tells your wrinkles to sit down and shut up… without stabbing your face with needles like you’re reenacting a medieval ritual.

It's called Dermal Micro Points Collagen Boosting Gel and it uses 3 million microchannels to sneak past your skin’s front door and whisper sweet nothings to your collagen-producing cells. Max tried it. He liked it. I still have trust issues, but not with this.

In 48 hours? 63% collagen boost. In 28 days? Skin tighter than your aunt’s conspiracy theories.

Smells good, feels fancy, and doesn't cost $700 like your derm's office visit.

👉 Also, I don’t make a dime from this… scout’s honor. But I did bully them into giving you 20% off with code SCALPEL20. Because I love you.

P.S. What did you think of today’s edition?