The Saturday Scalpel: Issue 24

From the desk of Dr. Kevin, MD

“My memos do more for your health than your doctor’s ‘drink more water, lose weight’ nonsense ever will.”

I’ve never been good at greetings…

So yeah… hello. There, I said it.

Kevin here. Again. And fair warning: I might swear more than usual today, because I’m knee-deep in an existential crisis and the only therapy I can afford right now is caffeine, profanity, and oversharing medical wisdom with you.

So before we both spiral… let’s boogie.

Your Stomach Looks Pregnant Again? Here’s Why

That magical moment when your stomach decides to cosplay as a third-trimester uterus. (Side note: I hate cosplay.😒)

But, I’ve been there. Looked like I swallowed a balloon animal. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t wear jeans (yes, I wear jeans too), couldn’t even exist without wanting to stab myself with my favorite steak knife.

If that’s you, yay, you’re in the club nobody wants to be in. But good news: bloating isn’t random. It’s your gut waving a big f*cking flag that says “Hey idiot, something you did down here sucks.”

I’m here to fix that…

Step 1: Find Why The F*ck It Happened!

Stop blaming “your hormones” or “the mercury gatorade.”

Ask yourself, when did this gas baby start kicking?

What did you eat right before?

Was it some “keto” snack bar loaded with sugar alcohols like erythritol, mannitol, or whatever-tol?

Was it dairy? Broccoli? That new “healthy” fiber drink you bought because Dr. (*beep*) on Instagram told you to?

Here’s the truth: your gut hates sudden change. You add something new, it panics, ferments it, and boom, instant Michelin belly.

So if you added something new, try the revolutionary strategy called stop eating that thing.

(Oh, and if your bloating lasts nine months and kicks back, yeah, that’s pregnancy. Different newsletter.👋)

Step 2: The Emergency Deflate Button

If you’re already puffed up like a parade balloon, do this:

Massage under your right rib cage. That’s your gallbladder, the little green sack that helps digest fat.

Push gently for 1–2 minutes. Then do the same under your left rib cage. That’s your pancreas, your enzyme factory.

You’re not performing surgery, just pressing like you’re convincing your organs to calm the hell down.

This helps gas and fluid move. Translation: burp, fart, freedom. 🎉

Step 3: Where’s the Problem?

Now let’s diagnose this bloated circus.

1. The Stomach

Feels like heartburn, indigestion, or food just sitting there?

You probably don’t have too much acid. You have too little.🤷‍♂️

Fix it with apple cider vinegar (1–2 tablespoons in water before meals) or Betaine HCl supplements.

Translation: give your stomach the acid it’s begging for so it can actually do its job.

2. The Gallbladder

Pain under the right ribs? Burping like a beer keg?

You might need more bile salts. I repeat, you might!

If your bile’s lazy, fat doesn’t digest, and your gut throws a protest.

3. The Pancreas

Floating, greasy stools? You’re making butter in your colon.

Get digestive enzymes, and maybe stop living on pasta and sugar.

4. The Small Intestine (SIBO)

If you bloat after salads or probiotics, it’s not your gut healing. It’s your bacteria throwing a fermentation rave in the wrong neighborhood.

One possibility, SIBO, bacterial overgrowth.

Fix it by cutting fiber and probiotics for a while. Go low-carb or carnivore. Add oregano oil, garlic, and intermittent fasting until the squatters leave.

5. The Large Intestine

If your belly sounds like Dr. Max’s coffee machine and you feel better with sauerkraut or fiber, that’s good. This time your bacteria are in the right zip code. Feed them more veggies and fermented foods. You know I’m a big fan of fermented sh*t.
(Okay Karen, *fermented food*)

Step 4: Stop Treating Junk Like Food

I remember my ex’s father — great doctor, questionable daughter — once told her while she was eating garbage food: “Don’t treat your stomach like a trash can.” I loved that line. So, before you start collecting supplements like Pokémon, master the basics.

• Stop eating processed garbage.

• Eat within an 8–10 hour window.

And maybe stop stressing 24/7. Cortisol literally puffs your gut like a blowfish.

Bottom Line

Bloating isn’t “just how your body is.” It’s how your body says, “You’re doing something stupid.”

Track what you eat. Massage the murder zones. Support the right organ.
And next time your stomach expands like a hot-air balloon, remember, it’s not random. It’s a clue.

Now go deflate yourself, genius…

Oh, and if you actually made it this far — respect. Reply us and let me know you…Most people stop reading once they realize there are no magic pills or ab-toning gummies involved.

So until next Saturday,
Dr. Kevin Cutthebull, MD
(the only doctor who rewards literacy)

P.S. I want to make these memos perfect for you, so tell me, what did you think of today’s edition?