“Every time you take a sip from your overpriced emotional support bottle, germs from your mouth, and hands get trapped inside…”

Today, instead of our usual memos, I wanted to talk about a story that sounds fake… but unfortunately very much isn’t.

It starts with something millions of people do every night.

No not sex.

Someone can’t sleep… so they take an over-the-counter sleep aid.

Pretty harmless, right? Wrong.

That decision eventually led to the surgeon saying: “Yeah… we’re gonna have to remove that whole colon.”

Exactly. The organ responsible for handling your daily logistics department.

Because apparently sleep aids + desperation + ignoring constipation for 9 days is not the medical combo pack we were hoping for.

Let me explain.

MP was a 27-year-old attorney with insomnia so bad it looked like a 24/7 productivity influencer challenge.

Some nights she slept.

Other nights she lay in bed staring at the ceiling while the sun came up and the birds started their annoying little morning podcast.

Seven months of this.

Her job started suffering.
Court dates were missed.
Her relationship started getting spicy in the “why are you awake at 4 AM reorganizing the fridge?” kind of way.

So naturally, MP did what modern humans do when their body has a problem.

She went to supplements. I know right..

Magnesium.
Herbal things.
Probably something TikTok said would “balance your cortisol moon cycle.”

Sometimes it worked.

99.99% of the time it didn’t.

So she escalated.

MP started taking diphenhydramine.

You know it. Benadryl. (Side note: Now we know it can cause Dementia, so be careful!!)

The allergy pill that basically says: “Okay, you can breathe again. Also you’re unconscious now.”

Now the thing is, it worked beautifully.

For one week.

She slept like a rock.

A sedated rock.

But then insomnia came back - because insomnia loves David Fincher level plot twists. (shoutout to fight club)

So she did what every exhausted human eventually does:

She took more.

Then more.

Eventually MP was taking 4–5 times the recommended dose just to sleep a few hours.

Which is medically known as “Terribilis Idea” or “a terrible idea.”

Diphenhydramine doesn’t just make you sleepy.

It also blocks a neurotransmitter called acetylcholine, which tells your gut muscles to move food along.

Translation:

Your intestines stop doing their job.

Your digestive system goes:

“Please try again next week.”

MP noticed something odd.

Stomach pain.

Constipation.

But when you finally sleep after months of insomnia, you’re willing to ignore a few minor plumbing issues.

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MP had also been taking quetiapine for depression.

Which ALSO slows gut movement.

So now we had two medications pressing the same pause button on her intestines.

This is like hiring two IT guys whose only job is to unplug the same server.

One night MP told her boyfriend two things:

Nine. Days.

At that point your colon isn’t a digestive organ anymore.

It’s basically a storage poop unit with increasing rent and terrible management.

Pressure builds.

The colon stretches.

We call this acute megacolon, which sounds like a superhero but is actually just your colon inflating like a tragic balloon animal.

And here’s where physics shows up to ruin everything.

When the colon stretches too much, blood vessels in its wall get crushed.

No blood = no oxygen.

No oxygen = tissue dies.

Dead tissue = holes.

One morning her boyfriend woke up and found MP:

• pale
• sweating
• unresponsive

Which is generally not the vibe you want before coffee.

She was rushed to the ER.

Doctors discovered her colon had massively dilated and perforated, meaning gut bacteria were now throwing a party inside her abdomen.

This caused septic shock.

Which is medical code for: “Everything is on fire internally.”

Her blood pressure crashed.

Her heart started racing.

Her brain stopped getting enough oxygen.

At this point doctors were basically racing the clock.

Surgeons opened her abdomen and found a huge, and I mean HUGE ruptured colon.

And unfortunately there’s no setting for:

“Ctrl + Z colon rupture.”

You can’t stitch it back.

So they removed it.

The entire colon.

Gone.

Deleted.

Unsubscribed.

Thankfully they were able to reconnect the remaining intestine so MP could survive and recover.

But the colon?

Yeah that thing is living its best life in medical waste history.

Diphenhydramine, sleep aids, allergy pills, and certain psychiatric medications all share something called anticholinergic effects.

Translation:

They slow things down.

Sometimes a little.

Sometimes a lot.

Most of the time you just get constipation.

Occasionally…

You get a colon that decides to self-destruct like a low-budget action movie villain.

If you’re using antihistamine sleep aids every night, don’t.

Better strategies include:

• consistent sleep schedules
• light exposure in the morning
• less late caffeine
• treating the root cause of insomnia

Because the goal of better sleep is to wake up refreshed.

Not wake up thinking:

“Wow… I seem to be missing a major organ.”

Sleep well tonight, Scalpelheads.

And if your colon hasn’t moved in nine days, maybe stop experimenting with the Walgreens chemistry set.

Alright, I’ve talked enough.

Your turn.

Hit reply and tell me one thing: did you actually like this issue, or was it complete garbage?

If something from this newsletter changed your routine, improved your health, or stopped you from doing something stupid… I want to hear it.

Seriously. Reply to this email.

Your responses help me figure out what to write next… and whether I should keep doing this or go yell at medical journals instead.

Until next Saturday,

Dr. Kevin Cutthebull, MD

P.S. As usual, I’ll keep sending you fresh guides every week… until you eventually beg me to stop giving them for free. (Don’t worry it’s always gonna be free 😎). You can download my favorite guide of the week here, no opt-in required → (Download Here)